Litany of crushes Jeanette and I share (with visual aids):

Alanna's conventional crush: Jude Law

Jeanette's conventional crush: Ewan McGregor

Dead country singer crush: Johnny Cash

Fictional doctor with gimp leg crush: Gregory House

Fictional rapist crush: Peter Sarsgaard in Boys Don't Cry

Huh?? crush: Alan Rickman

Underage Hogwarts student crush: Cedric Diggory

Internet crush: zzzing

But like, what if Bush gets re-elected?

This guy just does not get it. LiveJournal operates on its own plane of absurdity, and someone didn't let "bigmeaniepants" in on the joke. Pure comedy gold, this is. Oh, it's hard to play the straight man. Just ask Jason Bateman.

Religion Roundup

This is appalling. Williamsburg was so much better when it was nothing but Chasids. Anyone care to launch a "BACK TO THE PROMISED LAND" campaign with me, in which we throw out the trust fund hipsters (along with all their irony), and return this swath of Brooklyn to its rightful owners, the Jewy McJews?

ALSO. The fucking Scientologists in the 42nd Street Station: what is up with them? Yes, thank you, I would LOVE a "stress test" from someone who thinks there are chunks of dead alien souls living inside him.

Finally, I saw some cute Asian monks on 7th Avenue Tuesday. Their robes weren't saffron though. More of a burnt orange. I tend to assume all Asian monks know the Dalai Lama personally, and that by standing creepily close to them, I will absorb just the tiniest bit of enlightenment. Hang on, let me check.

Nope, nope. Still got no soul.

-A

Horrible, horrible stuff. Today is horrible stuff.

Now that that has been said...

Every year, as the family members of victims read out the names of other victims, I get frustrated. They each have, what, ten names to read and they get them wrong? I know that you are in mourning, but at least work things out enough to have the respect to get them right. Those names belong to people, and those people are now dead.

It reminds me of when they televise the annual "War of the Roses" memorial. I mean, come on, everyone's last name is either Lancaster or York, and all the first names are something hoity toity and easy. I mean, it is AlisSTIR, not AlisSTAIR, get it right or pay the price.

And how about those names from the war that turned the gatherers into agricultural settlers? There's no way little Timmy, ancient ancestor of Garumph, is going to be able to get Garumph's name right with his cleft palate and lisp.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with Alanna and say that the best one, though, is the annual readings of the names from the victims of the Cold War. Nothing is more refreshing in these post modern times than three hours of complete silence.

-J

Celebrity deathmatch

Not to make light of horrible natural disasters- well, OK, definitely to make light of horrible natural distasters...

Considering the hurricane that drowned The Big Easy, I have to wonder which force of nature is better at punishing infidels: hurricanes, or terrorists? Comment with your answer and a thesis to back it up.

PS- My aunt is from N.O. and her home is like, messed up. Does that make this post far, far worse? I like to think I bring fleeting but powerful moments of mirth to people in need, and by that I mean I am entirely unable to process normal human emotions.

-A

A certain je ne sais quoi

The president of my alma mater is in deep doo-doo. Turns out university funds have been helping him pay for his son's engagement party, his personal French chef, and $200,000 worth of landscaping. No wonder they had to cut the tennis team. Might I add that Mr. Ladner is one of the top 10 highest-paid university presidents in the country?

If the board is involved, this could be a real death knell for the school. What a shame, after all of Ladner's scrambling to make AU a top tier university. The comedy, at my expense, was that I actually thought my degree might mean something one day. The school was gaining more respect, and I was hoping that in a matter of years my degree would be viewed more highly than it deserved to be.

Well, I hope Ladner got some really amazing creme brulee out of it. Wouldn't want to think all my tuition money was spent in vain!

-A

Hey Jude...

In literally seven seconds, Alanna and I expressed our sentiment on the recent photography scandal involving our favorite nanny shagger...

Hey Jude
Trim those pubes
Take a rasor
And make it better
Remember
The ladies don't want to floss
It'll be your loss
You're like an Irish setter