The best thing about having an ear infection is getting to watch Troma movies all day without feeling obligated to grade my students' papers, even though school is ending really soon and any responsible teacher would have graded them a week ago when they were handed in. But during the best scene of Toxic Avenger 4, when two fetuses battle to a gruesome death inside their mother's womb, I started thinking about updating this blog. Last week one of its webmistresses gave me permission to write a post about how much better America would be if it was colonized by Santa Claus. All colonization is a bad thing, I said, epecially when instigated by fat Canadian slave-owners, but anything would be better than the prudish, sodomy-hating Puritans who braved the oceans blue in cramped oral-sexless boats so that they could send their homosexual children to reprogramming camps rather than hug them. Unfortunately this ear infection hurts and is making it difficult to think about complicated political issues.

I'm assuming my ear is infected, because it hurts like the dickens and I can only hear out of it when I pull down on the lobe. But it's not gross or anything, like ear infections are supposed to be. Everyone I've asked says that if my ear is infected it will smell like Welch's grape juice. I'm having a hard enough time remembering what Welch's grape juice smells like, and it's difficult for me to stick my finger too far in there because it hurts so fucking bad. So I think I'm going to keep self-medicating with illegal drugs until Monday when I can see my ear/nose/throat doctor. Last time this happened, the good doctor told me my ear was infected and he jammed a pole in my hole, putting me in the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life. After he was done I couldn't balance and had to sit in my car for about a half hour before I was confident to drive. Four years later and I'm at home on a Saturday night, my ear hurting just as bad, thinking about Santa Claus while all my friends are out attempting to have sex with strangers.