the number one sign of internet celebrity

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like without the Internet. Then I imagine having to go to the train station at 4:30 in the morning to buy pornography and the whole idea seems as quaint as pirates or those old bicycles with the tiny wheel in the back. The concept of the Internet is mind-boggling: an entirely virtual environment where democracy and capitalism thrive in spite of the fact that nobody can tell your cock is hanging out. This is the way freedom should be.

After all, the Internet is a place where you can not only broadcast your most personal thoughts to hundreds of people who will ignore you, but have those thoughts deconstructed and examined thoughtfully by strangers gifted with reservoirs of constructive criticism. These strangers have been named "Trolls" (after mythological creatures who live under bridges and ask stupid questions), and without their much-needed advice the Internet would be a vast, lawless hellhole of spelling errors and jokes about weathermen. It's a great thing that these "trolls" exist, because every night after a hard day of sleeping I enter a deep, philosophical, peyote-induced trance and I think to myself: "A human being's life is one continuous series of thought, most of which is focused on self-reflection or self-improvement." That's not nearly enough. It comforts me to know that there are folks out there with such concern for my well-being that they are willing to confront me directly via two computer screens. It's not really an insecurity until everyone else points it out.

- s