Try this on for size, Dominique Dawes.

Oh, Alanna. Good times, good times. It's fun to retrospect, but let's be honest. Btimesthree did NOT win the 2012 Olympic bid. It's a shame that we didn't, because according to a new rule* the host city/blog must now come up with unique olympic events capturing local color. So for example, if Btimesthree HAD gotten the bid (damn Alanna and her well led protests against a Btimesthree Stadium--Alanna, did you really have to get Al Sharpton involved), the new events would have included but not been limited to naked swimming and sexually frustrated girl tackle, which is very close if not identical to the running of the bulls in Pamplona.

However, London was the lucky winner, so take a look at some of the events we will see to capture the essence of all that is British athleticism:

Tea Drinking, with points given for the pinky achieving the perfect 42 degree angle of distance from the cup.

Emotional Repression-offs, in which contestants will be judged on their level of stoicism as they are informed of various, life changing facts, starting in round one with the fact that their gold fish has died, going all the way up to, if necessary, the merciless slaughter of their entire family.

Quidditch. Enough said.

Olympic Pub Crawl.

A throwback to Greco-Roman culture with a British twist, in which the London olympic stadium will have facilities comporable to the coliseum in Rome in order to host an event in which Irish drifters, which will be gathered and held in a Guantanamo Bay like prison from now until 2012, will be fed to lions.


*not an actual rule


-J